The Blonde Leading the Blind

It’s official.  I’m old.

Not really, but today, I feel old.

This afternoon is my oldest niece’s high school graduation party, which I’m bummed I have to miss since I’m still in San Francisco for work.  I was in high school when Brittnee was born, so it’s a little hard to believe that she’s old enough to even be in high school, let alone be graduating from it.

Good for you, Brittnee.  You’ve come along way since the days of standing in the front yard with your Aunt Blonde - me twirling the kitchen broom, you twirling your mini-plastic broom - practicing for Pantherette tryouts.

Have fun at your par-tay!

Today is my sister Christina’s birthday.  She actually got her birthday card on time, but what’s a birthday without a little public celebration?

Oh Stina, if only I wasn’t in San Francisco this week, I’d hop aboard the Pacific Princess with you and celebrate all Love Boat style just like we used to in our basement back in the day.

You could grab Gopher and I could find Doc, and we’d head up to the Lido Deck where Isaac would bring us margaritas while we work on our tan. 

I’d even make you a bologna sandwich with potato chips crushed on top and pretend it was French cuisine.

It would be fantastic.

Sorta’ like an open smile on a friendly shore.

Tío Spider-Husband and Tía Blonde headed north on Sunday to meet Miss Simone Lyn.  Look at you…rockin’ that purple onesie with that fantastic dark hair.

Oh Simone, you’re a crafty one aren’t you?  Look how peaceful and angelic you look sleeping in your tiny bassinet.  Who could possibly believe that you, my precious niece, have assaulted your Daddy, your Mommy, the side of the bassinet, and the wall of the hospital nursery with a jet stream of poo in only your first week of life?  Yes, I said the wall, girlfriend.

One day you’ll grow up, you’ll learn to read and you’ll discover that yes, your Tía Kelly really did post about your amazing potty powers…

But then you’ll take a look at Tía Blonde’s double chin and stringy hairdo in this fantastic picture and giggle with delight.

Saturday was a big day for the Blonde family as Spider-Husband’s sister, Media, walked down the aisle and said “I do” with her hubby-to-be, Mike O.  

Our nephew Gabriel walked his Mommy down the aisle where they joined the rest of the wedding party our niece, Courtney, as the Maid of Honor and our nephews, Jeremy and Zachary, as the Best Men.  All of whom looked fantastic in their wedding attire.

Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. O.!

My mom, brother and his wife came over this afternoon for a Fourth of July cookout at the Blonde estate.  In honor of Independence Day, we decided to liberate their hounds from an afternoon in their cages and instead invited both Bailey and Noah over to celebrate their freedom with the Disaster Twins.

Bailey and Noah were overcome with patriotism, and in absence of a flag, opted to wave thy tongue in joy and celebration of the Fourth of July.

The Blonde’s newest niece made her big debut this week.  

Weighing in at 6 lbs. and 6 oz., Miss Simone Lyn arrived about a month early taking both first-time Mommy Traci and Daddy Mando by surprise, not to mention rendering her Aunt Blonde speechless when she got the phone call Thursday afternoon.  And, shutting me up is no easy feat.

Now, that’s the way to make a grand entrance.

Well played, Simone.  That’ll keep Mommy and Daddy on their toes.

Today is my sister Lynnette’s birthday.  

I actually did send you a birthday card in the mail, but since it didn’t find its way into my mailbox until yesterday morning, I’m guessing it’s going to be late.  

This happens every year.  I buy the card a month ahead of time and mail it about a month afterward.  So, this should come as no surprise.  : )

I wish I could be there to celebrate with you.  We’d have a good time.  It’d be just like Turnabout our sophomore year…

Only without the cute dresses, plastic bouquets, and big hair.

Man, did we rock those bangs or what?

Happy Birthday ‘Nette!

Father’s Day is not amongst my favorite of days ever since my Dad died.  I’ll be honest with you.  It sucks.

Over the past few years I’ve been able to focus on celebrating the day with Spider-Husband’s Dad, which has made it a little easier for me, but this year my father-in-law has to work on Father’s Day and is keeping a much busier schedule than us telling Spider-Husband that he wouldn’t be available until after August to do anything for either his birthday or Father’s Day.  I don’t even know what that means.

I’ve tried to stay busy around the house today…doing laundry, balancing the checkbook, filing old papers and bills, whatever I can find to keep my mind off how different this day feels just knowing that there’s no Dad for you to share it with anymore.  It’s not the memories of Father’s Day past.  Truth be told, I’ve spent more Father’s Days away from my Dad than with him.  My parents divorced when I was very young, and my brother and I lived with our mom about three hours south of where my Dad and his family lived.  Those Father’s Days weren’t much different than today.

Only, I still had a Dad then.

I realized for the first time this morning that it’s been over seven years since he passed away, and I was stunned.  Seven years.  I can’t even comprehend how so much time has passed.  And, things are so much different now.  I don’t even know if he’d recognize the person I’ve become.

I’m married now to a man that my Dad would have loved.  Not just because he married his daughter, but because he knows football and likes to talk politics and goes out of his way to be kind to my family.

I have a career now.  I’ve stayed at my current job longer than anywhere else I’ve worked before, and I think I’m actually good at what I do.  And, it’s something I could explain to him, an environment he could relate to with his background in sales.

I have a house and dogs and dreams that are far more suburban and traditional than I think he could ever have imagined for me.

I’m happy.  And, that’s what hurts the most.  He was there to see all of the hard times and the struggles and the sadness, but he was gone before the days got brighter.  And, there’s just so much more that I wish he could have been here to see.

But, he’s not.

So, today I’m going to cling to those memories I do have…

and believe that those memories are enough to last me a lifetime.  They’ll have to because they’re all I get.

About this time last summer, Spider-Husband’s mom and sister invited us to go on a mini-vacation of sorts and asked if we’d be interested in renting a couple cabins in one of the state parks for a weekend.  Cabin space is pretty limited, so if you’re interested in getting space, you need to make a reservation up to a year in advance.

I’m not exactly what you picture when you think of camping as one of my coworkers reminded me this afternoon, “You camping? Who fluffs your pillows? What time does the caterer arrive?”  But, Spider-Husband is a fan, and it’s cheap…two qualities that will dramatically improve your odds in the Blonde household.  So, we signed on late last summer and have spent the past several months waiting for June 6 to arrive.

When the big day finally arrived, Spider-Husband and I were ready for adventure.  The Disaster Twins securely left in the care of “Grandma Karel”, we cut out of work early on Friday and were on the road by 2 p.m. to make our big escape.

5 p.m. - SpiderHusband, Mom Connie, Brother-in-Law-to-Be Mike, and the Troops (comprised of our soon-to-be niece and nephews - Zachary, Courtney, Jeremy, and Gabriel) arrive at Shakamak State Park and start to set up camp

5:45 p.m. - The Blonde makes the mistake of letting her loving nephew retrieve his own can of Coke…half of which immediately ends up on her shoes and legs after being shaken in a way that only a three-year-old can manage

6:15 p.m. - Ever the outdoorsmen, Zachary and Spider-Husband build a campfire using the very handy and very aromatic remnants of a White Castle Crave Case as kindling

6:30 p.m. - Sister-in-Law-Already Media arrives with the rest of the loot

7:20 p.m. - SpiderHusband makes the Blonde what might possibly be the best PB and J sandwich she’s ever eaten

7:30 p.m. - It starts to rain…er, pour

7:40 p.m. - Nine people in varying degrees of sogginess crowd on to a screened-in porch for four to play Taboo

8:05 p.m. - The Blonde spots a creature the size of a small housecat scamper across the front room of her cabin and somehow manages NOT to hyperventilate

9:35 p.m. - With one victory under their belt each, several members of Team Courtney and Team Jeremy head back to their cabin in what has now become a torrential downpour

9:45 p.m. - The Blonde is forced to sleep next to the same wall that she earlier witnessed an unknown rodent running along after Spider-Husband conducts an extensive search and turns up no evidence of said creature

Saturday, 1:32 a.m. - Monsoon-like conditions kill the electricity

1:47 a.m. - Spider-Husband gets up to investigate a giant booming noise that the Blonde suspects is a tree falling on her beloved Civic…it is not

1:49 a.m. - The Blonde’s fantastic digestive system kicks in to action as her intestines launch a revolt against the much-feared Burger King cheeseburger that she knew better, but chose to snarf down anyway for lunch that day

1:59 a.m. - Media starts to text message the Blonde and Spider-Husband after seeing our flashlights whipping around the cabin

2:15 a.m. - Spider-Husband informs the Blonde that if this trip gets any worse he’ll insist she call him “Ash” for the rest of the trip

7:30 a.m. - Rain lets up just enough for park staff to inform us that if they can’t get power up and running soon, they’ll be forced to shut the park and kick us out since their sewer system also runs on electricity…oh, and no flushing unless it’s absolutely necessary

8 a.m. - Rain resumes and the Troops indulge in some not-so-nature-related activities like…

Video Games…

Text Messaging…

And, my personal favorite…putting each other in “time outs”.

9:20 a.m. - The rain stops and we head out to hike on one of the park’s four trails since all the other park facilities are closed due to flooding, lack of electricity, and the state of emergency that the county is now under

9:24 a.m. - We head to the playground after discovering Trail One is now below sea level

9:50 a.m. - The Blonde’s new tennis shoes and her inner thighs are completely covered with mud after assisting her nephew, of the shaken Coke incident, on the playground equipment

11:30 a.m. - Ash and Mike spend an hour building a campfire using damp paper plates, toilet paper rolls, empty McDonalds containers, and lots of rain-soaked sticks

12:30 p.m. - We enjoy a most excellent hotdog and hamburger cookout and bust out the portable radio to hear the latest news on the weather

1 p.m. - We learn that the entire area is in a state of emergency and that several major highways surrounding the park have been closed due to flooding and more rain is expected that afternoon

1:15 p.m. - The levee that supplies the Jasonville Water Company service area, including the park, fails and residents are informed that water service will be shut off at 6 p.m. and may not be restored until 3-4 days

1:30 p.m. - Park ranger stops by camp to tell us the park is closing and that we need to evacuate as soon as we can find a route not covered by water

3 p.m. - The Blonde, Ash, and Mom Connie head north toward Terre Haute to pick up I-70, which we later discover is closed going eastbound after a portion of the road collapsed due to rising floodwaters

4:45 p.m. - After sitting in traffic and being guided by public safety crews through flooded intersections for about 20 miles, we reach I-70 and head west in the opposite direction from home and into Illinois since all eastbound highways are impassable

6:15 p.m. - We cross the Illinois state line and head back into Indiana

9:30 p.m. - After dropping off Mom Connie and picking up the Disaster Twins, we reach our final destination…the not-so-palatial Blonde estate…our mini-mini-vacation at an end

All joking aside, this may officially rank as the worst attempt at a vacation ever for us, but it’s not so bad when compared to the devastation that several of the communities we drove through on our way back home are now faced with after their homes and businesses were destroyed by one of the worst floods Indiana has had in many years.  Spider-Husband and I were shocked when we saw the news coverage on the television when we got home and are both very grateful that our family made it safely out of the flood area and back to Indianapolis.

I’ll be making a donation to the American Red Cross of Greater Indianapolis tomorrow to help provide flood relief assistance to those communities.  If you’re interested in donating, too,  you can make a contribution through the American Red Cross of Greater Indianapolis website or by calling (317) 684-1441.

My baby sister has found herself with child, so naturally, it’s time for a party.

The Grandmas and Aunts-to-Be having been planning this baby shower shindig for some time now, and the big day was finally here a couple of Saturdays ago.  (Hey, I said I was a little behind.)

Traci and Mando - the cutest Mom and Dad-to-Be ever…

And, Traci’s equally gorgeous sisters and nieces - Cassie, Christina, Mommy Blanco-to-Be, the Blonde, Amber, Lynnette, and Kendra…

Kendra and I were in charge of favors and games, most of which somehow managed to center around poop.  Yes, we’re that kind of family.  It’s one of the things that Spider-Husband is most horrified by whenever all the sisters get together…the openness with with we discuss bodily functions…mine, theirs, the children’s, and much to Spider-Husband’s rage, even our husband’s.

What do you get when you smear a glob of peanut butter in the bottom of a random mint-filled little pink paper diaper?

At Traci’s shower, the door prize.

How about melting several different kinds of chocolate candy in diapers and passing them around for guests to sniff at and guess what the “dirty diaper” contains?

A fantastic picture of your big sister pretending to lick a dirty diaper.

I told you we were that kind of a family.

Happy shower memories, Traci and Mando…you know you love us.