Filed under: The Adventures, The Blonde, The Flicks, The Husband | Tags: Billy Crudup, movie surprises, Watchmen
Had Spider-Husband and I written our own vows for our wedding day, his list would no doubt have included a “to attend opening weekend of all comic book-based films and to strive to understand the deeper symbolism and life lessons bestowed upon us by the hardships endured by superheroes everywhere” somewhere in the text…probably right after the whole loving and cherishing stuff. So it was with great excitement and the standard distrust my husband, the Marvel man, reserves for all things DC that we headed to a matinee showing of the long-awaited “Watchmen” release this weekend.
Potential spoiler alert…aka a tidbit someone could have let me in on in before the film started.
Watch men, indeed. Coulda’ named the movie “Watch Billy Crudup’s Glowing Blue Penis at 2000 Times It’s Natural Size” and given us all a little heads up, so to speak, so that one could at least brace themselves before seeing that bad boy light up the big screen. In all fairness, it’s not as if I came unprepared. And, a prude I am not. I read reviews. I knew the film barely qualified for its “R” rating. I was ready for the extreme acts of violence. And, I’d even vowed not to wince when “Hey! Isnt’ that Denny from Grey’s Anatomy?” gets snuffed in the opening scene. But, Dr. Manhattan’s member dangling in my face for over 160 minutes…well, let’s just say I didn’t see that coming.
Apparently neither did the multiple families in the theater, who after seeing the very dark previews on TV coupled with the big ol’ “No one under the age of 17 admitted without a parent or guardian” rating, still thought this was the perfect family film to take their grade-school children to on a nice Saturday afternoon. Seriously. It did provide interesting pre-movie banter for Spider-Husband and me as we laid out our bets for how many shootings, assaults, and graphic murders it would take before Mom or Dad ran out of the theater rapidly dragging their horrified 8-year-olds along by the arm. Had we know real-live penis was involved, we definitely would have upped the stakes. But, as it turns out, there are few things in this world that would cause a Midwestern Mom and Dad in the middle of an economic recession to sacrifice that eight-buck-a-head cost of admission. Not even a big blue dick. Every single one of ‘em rode it out. To the end, baby. Seriously.
So in summary…fantastic opening credit sequence, graphic violence, penis, penis, very intriguing plot line, random violence, more graphic violence, penis, penis, the plot continues to thicken, penis, gratuitous violence, penis, whoa – didn’t see that coming, penis AND violence, penis, bizarre plot twist, outright human destruction, subtle violence, penis, penis, penis, and rockin’ cover of Bob Dylan’s “Desolation Row” to close the show. So, really, how can you go wrong with a plot line like that?
Who’s watching the “Watchmen”, you ask?
It’s totally me. Couldn’t look away, even if I’d tried.
Filed under: The Adventures, The Blonde, The Husband | Tags: My Name is Bruce, Nights in Rodanthe, Taco Bell, Valentine's Day
Take one Nicholas Sparks-inspired romantic tragedy with a plot line jumping from a chance encounter at a remote seaside inn to wild horses to botched plastic surgery to Ecuadorian mudslides to, wait, “isn’t that the Green Goblin’s son?”, and back.
Add a so-horrible-it’s-hysterical mockumentary starring Bruce Campbell, of Old Spice and Evil Dead fame, battling it out with Guan-di, the ancient protector of bean curd, to save the townsfolk of Gold Lick, Oregon.
Don’t forget a couple of Taco Bell value meals.
Best. Valentine’s Day. Ever.
Yes, we have become those kind of people.
Filed under: The Adventures, The Blonde, The Disaster Twins, The Husband | Tags: Christmas 2008, opening presents, Spider-Husband, The Disaster Twins
Here’s what five minutes and a super small budget will get you at the Blonde estate on Christmas morning…
Filed under: The Adventures, The Blonde, The Family, The Husband | Tags: Fall, back to blogging, Christmas 2008, Halloween, work travel
In a perfect world, I’d have created a fun-filled video slideshow with pictures of all the important events and exciting adventures that the Blonde, her hot stuff Spider-Husband, and our amazing wonder pups had enjoyed since the last time we spoke. But, really, what fun would that be?
Instead, I’ll just hit the highlights and you can fill in the blanks. Just imagine a really cool montage with super cute pictures, and I know, it can even be set to the music of your choice! Something really cliché like “I Hope You Had the Time of Your Life” or maybe a little “Wind Beneath My Wings” – oh yeah, you’re feeling it, aren’t you?
It’s the Fall of the Blonde in fifty seconds or less…
Joined a book club.
Flew to Colorado in mid-October to hang out with a bunch of electrical workers and contractors for work.
Managed to get an ear infection in both ears and visited the very scary, but open on a Sunday clinic to get an antibiotic.
Carved pumpkins with Spider-Husband for Halloween. Planned to make mine a winking girl pumpkin, but after an unfortunate slip of the knife, revised my design and carved a Frankenpumpkin instead.
Finished reading Eat, Pray, Love in the waiting room during a trip to the doctor to figure out why my ears hurt worse than they did before I went to the clinic and why it hurts to swallow.
Missed my book club meeting after doctor shoots me up with corticosteroids and sends me to the emergency room to monitor my breathing after discovering I’m having a big-time allergic reaction to the antibiotic.
Finally painted the master bedroom and hung up pictures we’ve had since our wedding.
Stood in line for two hours to vote absentee.
Flew to Hoboken for work. Spent the first night at the hotel trying to pretend not to hear the very loud couple having very loud escapades during the very early hours after midnight. Spent subsequent night praying that the very mom-like, very middle-age woman I saw enter the adjoining room is NOT the woman I heard moaning and thrashing about the previous evening.
Cheered in complete amazement with the Spider-Husband when Indiana is called blue for the presidential election.
Read A Tree Grows in Brooklyn for book club. Struggled the entire way through, but managed to finish before our meeting.
Watched our daily exercise routine come to a grinding halt as temperatures dropped to near freezing with no signs of improving until after the winter.
Bought a treadmill that we can’t afford to avoid having to purchase a gym membership that we can’t afford either.
Discovered that exact treadmill is $200 cheaper online with no shipping charges direct from the manufacturer. Returned to Sears for the second time that day after verbal confirmation via phone that the manager would match the price.
Marveled that a treadmill that has an iPod dock, a digital control panel, a built-in fan, custom workout programs, and touch-screen technology has managed to have no place to prop a book or magazine.
Booked our long-awaited, two-years-of-saving-up-for-trip to Hawaii. Joined Spider-Husband and the chows in a happy dance to celebrate Maui in May followed immediately by a panic attack when our savings account balance plummets.
Visited Anderson for Thanksgiving with my extended family. Finally figured out the perfect baking time and temperature for my corn casserole recipe, but managed to completely destroy my mother-in-law’s homemade macaroni and cheese recipe in the process. Returned home with one empty casserole dish and two pound of overcooked, crusty, chewy macaroni for Spider-Husband’s dining pleasure.
Realized we have no money for Christmas this year once we hit the day after Thanksgiving sales. Pulled out the dusty Visa and crossed our fingers that our current eBay auctions will cover what we spent on gifts.
Enjoyed an afternoon shopping with my Aunt Donna, my sister Traci, and my niece Simony-Mony. Received frantic phone call from a still shocked Spider-Husband who ran into Lowes to return a light bulb and returned to find a John McCain bumper sticker stuck on top of his prized Obama sticker on the back of his magical mystery machine.
Flew to Las Vegas for work. Forced to wear a turtleneck every day to hide the giant hives that are all over my neck and shoulders after another allergic reaction to who knows what lest the conference attendees not freak out thinking they’re buying books from a leper at our booth during the show.
Got promoted.
Reunited with my former coworkers at the first ever Peterson PIO Christmas Party. Kicked in the ass by karma after stealing books from pregnant mommy-to-be in the White Elephant gift exchange and wound up taking my copy of Darby O’Gill and the Little People and Spider-Husband’s Desert Shield Trading Cards back home. Thanks Paul and Kelly. : )
Went Christmas shopping with Spider-Husband and his Mom.
Read The Glass Castle and picked January book club selection – The Lovely Bones.
Suggested Spider-Husband and I have a low-budget Christmas in light of the treadmill and Hawaii purchase – $25 each plus a $25 gift certificate for Amazon. Learned he intended to buy me a Wii after the fact. Managed not to weep openly and beg for a renegotiation of terms.
Took two weeks off work for the holidays. Spent first few days caring for a sick Spider-Husband. Spider-Husband spent last few days caring for a sick Blonde.
Put the Christmas tree and stockings up less than a week before Christmas after vowing that I wasn’t pulling decorations out of the garage this year.
Drove to Lowell for Christmas with the Duncans.
Drove to Greenwood for Christmas with the Trents.
Drove to Anderson for Christmas Eve with my Grandma.
Opened Christmas presents with Spider-Husband and the Disaster Twins. Went back to bed five minutes later.
Headed to my brother’s house for a Christmas Day breakfast with my Mom, Michael, his wife, and her family. Left after presents were done to spend rest of the day sick in bed.
Waited over an hour to see Marley and Me. Wept uncontrollably throughout the movie and emerged looking like Tammy Faye after a wicked crying jag.
Which brings us to about now.
Filed under: The Husband | Tags: Mariska Hargitay, Namaste, The Love Guru, yoga
Video Yoga Instructor: Namaste.
Spider-Husband: Imastud.
Me: Did you just say “I’m a stud?”
Spider-Husband: Uh, Mariska Hargitay.
Me: Great, “The Love Guru” warrants quoting now. Even better.
Filed under: The Adventures, The Blonde, The Husband | Tags: ladies wallet, leather anniversary, leather anniversary gifts, lime green wallet, third anniversary
I’ll admit it. The leather anniversary caused me a shitload of anxiety.
And, it wasn’t just over what to buy Spider-Husband.
I was way more frightened of what gift o’ leather I might receive than the gift I would give. We’re not exactly leather people. We’re more of a faux fashion family, which is challenging enough with out dragging ourselves down to the level of pleather. I mean, really, we do have some pride.
So after reviewing what options were out there, then eliminating shoes, belts, watchbands, briefcases, day planners, and all the other stuff I don’t use from the list, the only leather items left were more appropriate for the biker in The Village People or, even more disturbing, the Pulp Fiction Gimp, neither of which exactly scream “Happy Anniversary Hon’!”
I was seriously concerned. And as usual…I was proven wrong.
I present Spider-Husband, anniversary gift purchaser extraordinaire, who also thought of shoes, belts, and I probably don’t want to know what else before deciding on a wallet for his Blonde bride.
And, I’m not talking just any old wallet here, but a super-cool lime green wallet with a tres hip multi-colored liner and lots of slots to put your stuff:
And before you ask…it’s nothing like the one I already owned.
Damn you Spider-Husband. You are again victorious.
At least until our fruit and flowers anniversary…then I will reign supreme.
Filed under: The Adventures, The Husband | Tags: date night, third anniversary, wedding anniversary
Spider-Husband and I celebrated our third anniversary on Wednesday. It was just like our wedding day…only without the dress…and the suit…and the flowers…and the cake…and the dancing. OK, so it was nothing like our wedding day. It’s been three years…cut us some slack.
Since we were on vacation from work during the week, we decided to have a date night to celebrate…movie, dinner, dessert, the works.
We headed to the movie theater to check out the oh-so-romantic Righteous Kill starring Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino and were delighted to discover we could be as obnoxious and loud as we wanted to during the film as we were the only patrons in the theater. I’m a gangster – dirty cop – criminal underworld – mobster movie kinda’ gal, so I was actually overjoyed when the hubby suggested seeing it. The movie was so-so – good story, poor execution – but the company was fantastic.
After the movie, we had a late dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, Maggianos, the restaurant we ate at so frequently during the planning of our wedding that it’s a miracle I could zip up my dress when the day actually arrived. Chicken Parmigan. Mozzarella Marinara. Warm Apple Crostada. Happy Anniversary, indeed. Dinner was delicious despite having the world’s worst waiter who saw our anniversary presents sitting on a chair and decided one of us was having a birthday. And, who after disappearing from the table for like thirty minutes, magically reappears to wish one…maybe both…of us happy birthday again before bringing us a plate of cookies with not one, but two, birthday candles in them.
“Someone’s having a birthday…”
“I hope you’re having a wonderful birthday…”
“I’ll be back with some complimentary cookies to celebrate someone’s special birthday…”
“I’ve provided god-awful service tonight but if I keep saying birthday then I still might get a tip on your birthday…”
By the time the cookies hit the table, I was on the verge of wetting my pants I was laughing so hard. I thought one of us was going to bust a gut if he said birthday one more time.
So, Happy Third Birthday…er, Third Anniversary Spider-Husband! It totally rocked.
Filed under: The Adventures, The Husband | Tags: anniversary gifts, Fossil wallet, leather anniversary gifts, third anniversary
For some insane reason, most likely caused by giddy newlywed bliss, Spider-Husband and I decided to follow the traditional anniversary gift table when celebrating our big day each year.
This year marked our third anniversary, the very classy leather anniversary, which says so much about why no one should willingly take gift advice from the traditional anniversary gift list. Clearly the table was created back in the Little House on the Prairie days when Pa slaughtered one of the family cows to make Ma Ingalls a nice hide to keep her warm throughout the winter, a practice which admittedly twas deeply touching back in the late 1800s but would decidedly give the folks at PETA a heart attack today.
So, you can imagine my anxiety as September 24 drew nearer, and I was without gift, or gift ideas, for that matter.
I’d already rejected leather shoes since my husband only wears running shoes and (much to my horror) flip-flops…and not the quality ones either. We’re talking the flops from the bargain bin here.
Belts were out, too, since cargo pants and carpenter jeans are staples in the hubby’s wardrobe.
No need for a briefcase. Already had a day planner.
Which left a wallet…which he didn’t really need, but clearly was going to receive anyway…a wallet that was painstakingly chosen by me, his beloved wife, after hours (OK, minutes) of walking back and forth between Macy’s and Fossil trying to decide which store had THE wallet that would most impress THE Spider-Husband…a wallet that when I arrived back home and saw his old wallet lying on the counter seemed eerily familiar…a wallet that was identical to the wallet my husband already owned.
Well, happy freakin’ anniversary to me. At least, I know he liked it.
Spider-Husband and I have been in our house now for just over three years. Everything we own is now officially out of its warranty period, so naturally, it’s time for everything we own to break.
Case in point…our dryer, which recently began to require at least 180 minutes to dry even the most miniscule load of laundry despite the fact that it still had heat and still was tumbling. We’ve made due with the absurd drying time for about a month, but finally snapped a couple weeks ago when I opened the dryer door and saw that it was actually sweating. I’m talking beads of moisture all along the inside of the dryer door and streaks of water running down the front.
What in the hell kind of dryer develops a perspiration problem?
Ours.
After conducting hours of research…OK, more like minutes of Google searching…we decided that the vent to the outside world must be clogged, and Schneider-Husband got to work. After pulling nearly an entire Target bag full of lint out of the dryer and the vent, we both felt victorious…
Until we attempted to dry another load of clothes.
The Internet led us to some contraption designed specifically for snaking through the dryer vent to free major lint obstructions, which much to my shock, we found at our local Lowes for $39.99. Armed with his power drill and newly purchased Lint Eater, Schneider-Husband set forth to rid our home of its “hidden fire hazard” lurking in the dryer event. Once again, he retrieved another bag full of lint, crossed his fingers, and still ended up with a hot, humid dryer full of wet clothes.
Fear not. Schneider-Husband was not deterred from his quest and decided that he should tackle the obstruction working from the outside vent back in before giving up and calling a repairman.
And, that’s how he ended up on the roof.
My job was to hold the ladder, and, of course to stand on the ground trying to figure out how I was going to carry my husband to the car so I could rush him to the emergency room after he rolled of the roof. Fortunately, Spider-Husband’s sense of balance and coordination are much more sophisticated than my own. It took him less than 30 seconds to uncover the source of the problem as he pried off the vent cap and found it impacted with a furball the size of a small housecat clogging the vent. Lint Eater in hand, he went to work.
There was so much dust and debris spewing out of the vent, he looked like he was shearing a sheep, or possibly plucking a very large, very angry chicken, which would have been hysterical, not to mention well documented in pictures, had I not been so terrified that he was only minutes away from a broken neck. But, don’t think I didn’t still contemplate running inside to get the camera.
Ten perilous minutes later, Spider-Husband was back on the ground, the dryer was back in action, and the digital camera was back in hand. I mean really, it’s not every day you get a shot of your husband molting.
Molting inspires self-confidence…
Spider-Husband: If you want to say I wielded it (the Lint Eater) like a superhero, it’s alright with me.
Me: You’re right, honey, you DID wield it like a superhero. You, Lint Licker, you.
